


Baby Buggy Bumper Bullshit

by cheeryPsycho, HorologiumParadox



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Parenthood, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Pregnancy, Property Brothers - Freeform, Snark, Troll Anatomy (Homestuck), and other dumb references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26325760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheeryPsycho/pseuds/cheeryPsycho, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorologiumParadox/pseuds/HorologiumParadox
Summary: Karkat tells Dave he's pregnant.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	Baby Buggy Bumper Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> Lovingly and randomly improv RP'd on Discord (HorologiumParadox as Dave, cheeryPsycho as Rose & Kanaya).

TG: rose i need parenting tips  
TG: just kiddin  
TG: fuck  
TG: i mean  
TT: Oh dear. I am most definitely listening.  
TG: ok so are you physically and psychologically capable of answering me something honestly and without asking followup questions  
TT: I shall do my best, but judging from the frankly fascinating start of this conversation, I can promise nothing.  
TT: Especially on the follow-up.  
TG: you know what fuck it ill take it  
TG: i hate you i hope you know that  
TG: ok so  
TG: can humans knock up trolls  
TG: and uh  
TG: vice versa  
TT: Oh my.  
TG: i feel stupid already  
TT: Here's where it gets tricky, dear brother.  
TT: Because I can't answer that just yet.  
TG: no its not tricky rose its a yes or no question  
TG: i know you have a tendency for verbal extravaganza but make an effort  
TT: I'm certainly gonna need more context on how the nature of this question was born.  
TT: Sorry. I couldn't resist.  
TT: Omit no details, please and thank you.  
TG: rose its far too early in my relationship for me to earn the title of potty snoozer so can i give you like a brain biopsy rain check and get my desired format of reply right now  
TT: Oh. Early.  
TT: Interesting.  
TT: So it is a possibility in your mind.  
TG: stop throwing me off like this i know what youre doing  
TG: everything is a possibility in my mind rose the worlds a fucking bizarre place  
TG: therefore answer my fucking question please  
TT: So. You are considering that you might need a recommendation for a good interspecies medical professional, is that it?  
TG: god fucking dammit talking to you is like chasing a chicken  
TT: You are no fun.  
TG: an interspecies medical professional  
TG: youre making that shit up  
TT: Fine. Since I don't want to distress you fully, I shall race to the point just for you, as much as my serendipitous instincts tell me not to.  
TT: First of all, if you are experiencing any form of physical perturbance or upsetting symptom personally, I would like to know right away.  
TT: Or your darling ornery matesprit, for that matter.  
TG: shit  
TG: i dunno  
TT: Dave. It's a simple yes or no question.  
TG: haha yeah funny use my own words against me  
TG: is freaking the fuck out considered an upsetting symptom in this setting  
TT: No. That would be a normal reaction to your unpreparedness for the miracle of parenthood.  
TG: miracle  
TG: of PARENTHOOD  
TG: because wed both sure as fuck know about that  
TG: oh my god  
TG: rose i cant do this  
TT: Calm down. It's fine.  
TG: fuck not even karkat can do this probably  
TG: one of these days i saw him yell uninterruptedly at his mouse for forty five minutes  
TT: Ok, I will need more details on that as soon as we are done with this lack of crisis.  
TT: Just reassure me that you're not having any strange symptoms, for the passing pleasure of my peace of mind.  
TG: me?  
TG: why the fuck would i have strange symptoms  
TG: i aint got the baby bag rose  
TT: No you don't. How about Karkat?  
TG: if i knew it i wouldnt be submitting my poor abused psyche to the hurdle of asking you about something  
TT: Karkat. Symptoms. Focus.  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok uh  
TT: Is he ok or not? Kanaya is starting to worry.  
TT: She's been looking over my shoulder intermittently, for the record.  
TG: he seemed normal  
TG: but he came up to me with a dead serious face and told me he thought he was infused with a child  
TG: his exact words were DAVE, I AM PREGNANT  
TT: ...I will forgo your choice of lexicon for now.  
TT: To inform you that I suspect outside influence.  
TG: you mean im not the father  
TT: That came out extremely wrong. I apologize.  
TG: yeah because everything else is perfectly right and normal  
TG: fuck my life  
TT: Outside influence in the sense that I infer someone put Karkat up to this.  
TG: ...  
TG: huh  
TG: wait  
TG: nah  
TT: That or he's taken a shine to torturing you.  
TG: i dont think karkat would do that  
TG: would he  
TG: hey kanaya sup do you think thats something karkat would pull on his deadass gorgeous matesprit  
TT: Hang on.  
TG: whos pretty fucking smitten and dedicated and would rather jump off the edge of the universe before causing him as much distress as im being slapped on the face with currently  
TT: Good Afternoon Dave  
TT: I Have Now Been Vaguely Informed Of The Situation  
TT: And I Have One Question  
TT: Did You Make Karkat Unreasonably Mad At You Recently  
TT: I Mean In A Way Thats Discernable From His Usual Range  
TG: lets see  
TG: we got pretty deep into an argument about wide doors vs tall doors one of these days  
TG: because of property brothers  
TT: That Sounds Dramatic  
TG: but i dont think that was it because afterwards we uh  
TG: anyway he wasnt really mad  
TG: sorry i got distracted he came to ask if everything was ok in here  
TT: Is That Why You Thought You Might Be With Grub  
TT: Because Anger Is Not A Factor In The Matter Of Troll Procreation  
TT: No Matter How Close To A Fight The Actual Act Takes Place  
TG: no i know  
TT: At Least It Does Not Matter Outside Of Caliginous Romance Considerations  
TG: i mean your kismesis thing is pretty fucking confusing but i know thats not it  
TG: i was just trying to remember specific bouts of shouting on his part  
TT: Have You And Karkat Taken To A More Intense Type Of Vacillation  
TG: wait vacillation is the equivalent to cheating right  
TG: fuck is karkat cheating on me???  
TG: damn im too young to be a cuck  
TT: I Am Starting To Consider Karkats Reason To Be Upset With You Might Be Your Lack Of Attention When He Talks To You About Quadrants  
TT: But If I Know Karkat At All Then No  
TT: Hes Not Cheating On You Dave  
TG: what no im being thoroughly schoolfed on quadrants and other ambiguous troll tems  
TT: Theyre Not Ambiguous  
TG: for example i am now sitting on a load gaper talking to my matesprits moirail  
TT: Touche I Suppose  
TG: typing on my palmhusk with my point stumps and all  
TG: im a fucking troll encyclopedia kanaya its unreal  
TT: Do You Mean Prongs  
TG: well there are regional variations so sure  
TT: I Do Not Believe That Use Is Canon  
TG: btw lemme ask you since karkat flipped out when i prompted him  
TG: what do you guys call buckets  
TT: Why Do You Always Somehow End Up Asking Me About Pails Dave  
TG: what  
TG: whats that got anything to do with it  
TG: im asking because karkat seems terrified of them or something  
TT: Sigh  
TG: figured it might be some trauma he has  
TT: You Never Listen To Me About Troll Reproduction Issues Either Do You  
TG: never say never  
TT: But Somehow Youve Memorized The One Hundred Flavors Of Poptarts Rap  
TG: what can i say  
TG: my brain likes poptarts and rhymes  
TG: its a match made in heaven  
TT: Rose Has Been Cackling Next To Me Non Stop For A While  
TT: Which Induces Me To Believe Youve Been Tortured Enough By Now  
TT: As Much As She Always Disagrees  
TG: jesus christ do you girls always have to be so fucking witchy  
TG: i bet youre wearing pointy hats and long nails right now  
TT: I Don't Get That Reference  
TG: throwing a lock of hair into a cauldron with my name on it  
TT: You Have That Recipe On Earth Too  
TG: apparently  
TG: ask rose about it later  
TG: shes the one whos into that  
TT: Do You Or Your Broodmate Ever Use Sincerity  
TT: Nevermind  
TT: Im Not Sure For What Reason Karkat Is Upset With You  
TT: You Might Need To Make Some Property Brothers Based Apology  
TT: Even Though Im Not Sure What That Is  
TT: But I Also Know Hes Not Carrying A Child  
TG: why didnt you lead with that???  
TG: oh thank goodness  
TG: i was not ready for obama jr  
TG: even if hed be rad as all fucks  
TT: Rose Just Made A Horrified Face At That Name I Thought You Should Know  
TG: hed have like a little cap with holes in it for his horns  
TG: heh nice  
TG: i mean it could also be a girl  
TG: or none of them  
TG: idgaf caps are rad in all genders  
TG: if karkats and my eyes are red theirs would be too right  
TG: i wonder if the dominant gene for hair is the trolls or ours  
TG: ok thats stupid they arent compatible at all  
TG: or are they  
TT: Im Just Waiting Til Youre Done  
TG: is it just fanfic material yet or for sure theres a doctor somewhere in the world trying to breed a hybrid thats one hundred percent plausible ive seen it in movies  
TG: oh sorry please go on  
TT: Dave  
TT: Trolls Do Not Carry Their Young Within Them  
TT: You Would Know This If You Paid Attention To Anything Ever  
TT: And I Dont Even Feel Like I Partook In Hyperbole Back There  
TG: but even if it was a girl itd be obama jr its a gender neutral name  
TG: they dont  
TG: well ok that explains why ive never seen diaper ads for trolls  
TT: Im Facepalming Right Now  
TT: I Learned That Just For You  
TT: You As In You Both  
TG: haha yeah  
TT: The Most Frustrating Of My Dear Friends  
TG: awwww what  
TG: kanaya im your friend?  
TG: im so touched theres literally a tear in my eye rn  
TG: can i call you bro  
TT: Hi, Dave.  
TG: sup rose welcome back from your mirth trip  
TT: Did you miss me? Don't bother answering, I know you missed me terribly.  
TG: sure a girl can dream  
TT: Since Kanaya was getting increasingly frustrated, then blushed like the most adorable green-tinted Christmas light momentarily, I thought I'd take over.  
TG: haha gay  
TT: Tell me about Obama Jr., Dave.  
TT: Their little cap with horns holes. Their radness. Their perfect blend of you and your matesprits' bright red eyes . All of it.  
TG: ive told you hes rad thats really all there is to say on the matter  
TG: anyway im gonna bail now  
TT: Don't be embarrased, it sounds like an endearing future aspiration.  
TG: thanks for your girlfriends help  
TG: karkats shuffling outside the bathroom i can hear his heavy ass strut pods on the floor  
TT: You really are no fun, you know that?  
TT: And I will, as long as you promise to not make a habit of calling her bro.  
TT: Please don't give me that unpleasant twinge in my sapphic loins.  
TG: oh wait ive got just the thing for answering  
TG: I shall do my best, but judging from the frankly fascinating start of this conversation, I can promise nothing.  
TT: Clever. I'm proud of you.  
TT: I am however signing you up for a wealth of troll physiology and anatomy newsletters. You're welcome.  
TG: im sure your rose buds will survive  
TG: see ya rose  
TG: peace out  
TT: Be well, Dave.  


**Author's Note:**

> Vaguely inspired by [ this prank idea](https://www.wattpad.com/story/36136901-how-to-prank-the-homestucks-by-john-egbert).
> 
> Made with [Homestuck 5](http://www.homestuck5.com/)


End file.
